Dec 212011
Happy Couple by Millicent Bystander

Having your loved one by your side gives great meaning to your life. Yet many relationships and marriages are unhappy, ending in break ups and divorce. To worsen matters, there is also the issue of cheating. Not only do men do it, but in this age of gender equality, women do so as well. But here, cheating is merely the symptom or the result of a bigger unresolved problem or problems in the relationship. Is living happily ever after a myth? Is there no way to find that perfect someone to share your love? What then can you do to have the relationship you deserve?

Two Important Choices

Relationships are important to being happy. Yet, people cannot seem to find the right person with whom they can be happy. Yes, it is true that you need to be able to stand on your own two feet before you can find happiness. But it also boils down to two choices you have to make:

1. Choosing the right person at the right time at the right place
2. Choices you make when problems arise in the relationship

Done well, you will have a relationship that many will envy. Done wrongly and each quarrel you have risks straining the relationship beyond repair. Not only do quarrels alienate the person you love, it also leaves you feeling deeply unhappy. In any case, no one really listens in a quarrel.

The Nature of Relationships

Feelings alone are not enough. To complicate matters, feelings can change with time and circumstances. Once the euphoria fades, it takes effort to sustain and nurture a relationship.

There is also the matter of potential. Each relationship has a different potential. As such, some relationships are harder to hold on to than others. There may be many reasons for this. It could be due to compatibility issues. It could be due to circumstances. Or it could be different goals in life. To keep things simple, a relationship can turn out in the following ways:

1. The Tao of the relationship is good and the events are good throughout
2. The Tao of a relationship is good, but events go from good to bad
3. The Tao of a relationship is good and events go from bad to good
4. The Tao of a relationship is bad and the events are bad throughout
5. The Tao of a relationship is bad, but the events go from bad to good
6. The Tao of a relationship is bad and the events go from good to bad

It helps at the start to know how your relationship with someone will turn out. This is vital to helping you make the first of the two important choices wisely. By doing so, you will save yourself a lot of heartache, time and effort. After which, you will be free to focus and invest yourself with someone with whom you can have great happiness.

Even so, I have seen cases where it is hard to let go of love in spite of the obvious difficulties ahead. I too have had my own personal experiences. So if you choose to hold on because it is worth fighting for, then you must excel in making choices. You must make all the best choices you can to keep your relationship going. Not only must you be able to discern the root cause of problems when they arise, you have to be creative enough to solve them. Again, it helps to know the outcome of your choices and actions in advance. With this foresight, the best choices become obvious.

Protecting and Nurturing Love: Why You Must Take Charge to Manage Change

Change is the only constant in life and relationships are no exception to it. Here, you cannot leave change to chance if you value your love. If you do so, change is likely to take the path of least resistance. When you allow things to happen by default, they rarely turn out the way you wish.

Think about it, if you try to kick a bad habit without clear goals and a plan, can you succeed? Unless something life changing happens, chances are you will lapse back to your old ways eventually. It is the same with relationships. You have to take responsibility and design the relationship you want. Without a clear vision and a guiding hand, the outcome of a relationship is an open question. To have a love that lasts, you need to take charge and nurture it.

Couple Yelling at Each Other by Hang In There

Problem Solving in a Relationship

1a. The Dangers of a Reactive Approach

Any relationship will face internal or external problems during its lifetime. Here, it is easy for communication to breakdown in the midst of a crisis. When all hell breaks loose, lovers might become enemies. A loving couple might say and do things to each other that they come to regret later. The greater the love, the greater the hurt and pain.

The crux of the problem is a lack of foresight and judgement. When you are in the midst of a crisis, you can only see what is in front of you. It is hard to think a few steps ahead when emotions are clouding your judgement. Instead of pre-empting events, you react to them. Instead of being a few steps ahead, you are a few steps behind. When you fail to see the big picture, you rarely make good choices.

1b. How Knowing the Unknown Changes Everything

But what if you know beforehand all the problems that are likely to happen in your relationship and when? How would knowing this “rough schedule” in advance change things for you?

It is simple really. If it is an internal crisis between the two of you, you can sit down early to discuss the matter calmly before it blows out of proportion. Yes, you may already know that a problem exists, so what is the big deal? Knowing a problem is one thing. But knowing it will lead to a crisis in a few weeks or months if you do not address it early is a different story. The gravity of the matter will force you to take prompt and effective action. You have to if you really treasure your relationship. Done well this is one area where you have enough control to pre-empt a crisis.

If it is an external crisis, you will have less control. As such, you may or may not be able to prevent it. But at the very least, the both of you will be prepared to face it together. It will not take you by surprise and cause you to panic. There will be more patience and understanding as you focus on getting through the matter together. And by working with instead of against each other, this is a perfect opportunity for your relationship to grow. All this however, can only happen with foresight, not hindsight.

2. What You Say and How You Say It

Then, there is the matter of delivery. When it comes to working out problems, it is not just what you say, but how and when you say it that matters. Saying the right thing in the right way at the right time will help you to get the message across to your sweetheart. Anything else will only meet with varying levels of resistance. In the worst case, you might face outright rejection and hostility.

This problem is easily resolved if you know in advance how your significant other will take the message. Then it is all a matter of tweaking your pitch until you get the desired outcome. If you know the best way to say what you need to say and when to say it, you will have a receptive audience.

How I Can Help You

The best way I can help you is with foresight. I can show you the outcome of your choices and actions before you make them. All you have to do is to Ask the Vizier. With this foresight, you will no longer have to grope in the dark and hope for the best. You will know what to do, when to do it and how to do it to achieve your goals.

Experience wise I have helped to manage the start of relationships. By choosing the relationship with the best potential, I have helped to create the conditions needed for love to grow. I can tell you at the start if a relationship has potential or not. I can tell you if it will be easy or not. Then, the choice is yours to make.

I have also helped to manage and resolve problems in relationships. By looking deeply into the Tao of each situation, I have helped to remove obstacles that hinder love. Here, I can help you to make the best choices to keep love alive in the midst of adversity. If there is indeed a chance for the relationship to survive, I will help you to find that way.

But there are times when the conditions are simply not right for love. When you have done all you can and nothing changes, the only thing left to do is to let go and move on. The problem arises if both parties are not on the same page. One may want to move on while the other tries to hold on.

Here, I too have managed break ups and even divorces. I have helped to make messy affairs as painless and amicable as possible. By guiding you to take action in the right way, I can help you to resolve any lingering issues so you can move on quickly. By doing so, you will have another chance to find the love you truly deserve. (Here, I just want to clarify that I do not handle the legal aspect of divorces.)

So if you have any problems about relationships that you may need help in, do feel free to drop me an email to discuss the matter. If I can help you, I will. If I cannot, I will say so. There is no charge for discussing the matter. Charges only arise if you require me to help you with foresight.

Into the Sunset by Rishwan Jalyl

Taking Action

The true secret to having a lasting relationship is to be able to solve and pre-empt any problems that arise in the best way. You must know early what each situation requires to prepare and take action. Only then will love have a chance to grow and to flourish. Happiness in a relationship is a choice. But in truth, it is really about making the best choices you can all the time.

What other ways do you know of to create a lasting relationship? Do you have any questions for me? Do share your thoughts and comments below! :)

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  18 Responses to “How to Have the Lasting Relationship You Deserve”

  1. Irving,
    Fabulous and thorough post. I love that you identify the two major choices right up front.
    1. Choosing the right person at the right time at the right place
    2. Choices you make when problems arise in the relationship

    I think if you pay attention to these up front you’ll avoid a lot of pain later.
    You do need to learn how to disagree and still remain friends though because you will have disagreements.
    Angela Artemis/Poweredbyintuition recently posted..Powered by Intuition Holiday Gift CertificateMy Profile

    • Hi Angela,

      I am glad you enjoyed the post. It is largely the sum of my experiences and observations.

      Anyone who reads my blog will know that I prefer to pre-empt and manage problems early. This is why the two major choices are so important.

      You make a great point when you say we need to learn how to disagree and still remain friends in relationships. Everyone is unique. And even if couples do have striking similarities, they cannot be clones of each other. There are bound to be differences here and there. What matters here is tolerance and acceptance. By giving your significant other the gift of being themselves, you create the conditions for love to grow and strengthen.

      Thank you for sharing your lovely comments! :)

  2. Hi Irving! This is a fantastic study into successful relationships and I think you’ve managed to throw wisdom in there that is normally reserved to professionals twice your age. Bravo, my friend. I’ve learned (through some rough lessons, I’ll admit) that one key to making things work is to continually step up communication. The whole “pay attention to what you say and how you say it” is crucial, as you mention.

    In the end, being open-minded and not too proud to admit when you’re wrong is a great way to keep yourself and your relationship balanced. And even when you know you’re NOT wrong, listening to the partner instead of fighting for what you want to say is an important part of communication. Hope you’re well, my friend.
    Bryan Thompson recently posted..21 Bloggers Share a Powerful Christmas Memory, Pt. 3My Profile

    • Hi Bryan,

      Thank you for your compliments!

      I just hope that readers who read this article can avoid the pain and mistakes I made and have happy and lasting relationships that they deserve.

      Yes, open and honest communication is vital to a healthy and lasting relationship. But not all couples feel comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts with each other. This can lead to problems in the long run.

      Being open-minded and admitting you’re wrong when you are is not an easy thing. But if you cannot do this with the person you love, then it may be a good idea to review your love for that person.

      Thank you for sharing all your great points! :)

  3. Ahh, wish I had had this advice a few decades ago! Oh, well, not in this lifetime. I’m content now in my single status. But I can say from hard lessons that you have presented much wisdom here.
    Galen Pearl recently posted..Winter WonderMy Profile

    • Hi Galen,

      Never say never. ;)

      Change happens when we least expect it, thus we are often caught unprepared.

      And when it comes to feelings for someone, well things just happen. When they do, they can rock our world in ways we never imagine.

      Thank you for sharing your lovely comments! :)

  4. I think the most difficult part of saving a relationship is the first: it always depends on two person. Maybe I am able to change my aspect, I would like to solve our problems and save the relationship which is so important for me. But if only one member of this team-game is able to make compromises and leave his/her ego behind, than it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, I am actually in this kind of situation.:/
    Cindy recently posted..Dental blogMy Profile

    • Hi Cindy,

      You’re perfectly right. A relationships is about two people. One person cannot carry the relationship alone no matter what sacrifices or compromises this person makes. Unless the other person makes an effort, it is hard for things to change for the better.

      But here I believe that it also helps to make your request in the right way, at the right time and the right place. As I mentioned, what you say and how you say it is also very important. This is one area I help people by divining the outcome of their requests and the way they say it in different ways to find the best pitch to help them get what they want.

      I hope you manage to resolve your problems. If you need any help, just drop me an email.

      Thank you for sharing your lovely comments! :)

  5. Hi Irving,

    You have turned your Tao to relationship this time. In doing so, you have dwelled into something that is most fundamental in human psychology. Bravo!

    I enjoyed your message of having and creating foresight into relationships. It is meant to bring out the best there can be in a relationship. Do you believe that any relationship is meant to succeed and thrive with the right action at the right time? Or do you think some relationships are doomed to failure no matter what?

    I tend to think the former exist. In the end, our decisions make the most difference in nurturing any relationships. It is this art and skill that we must master.
    Jimmy recently posted..Beginners Guide to NLP – Part 3 (Anchoring in NLP)My Profile

    • Hi Jimmy,

      Yes, like you, I believe that a relationship can succeed and thrive with the right action at the right time. I do not believe that some relationships are doomed to failure no matter what. If both parties make an effort in the right way, success will come sooner or later.

      Whether it is relationships or other areas in life, our choices and actions always affect the outcomes. This is why making the best choices in any given situation is so important to me.

      Thank you for sharing your lovely comments! :)

  6. Hi Irving,
    Relationships like anything take persistent effort and persistent focus. It seems that many are too eager to just move on instead of trying to grow themselves and their relationships.

    I have also found that experiencing bad relationships has helped me tremendously to creating relationships that I really enjoy.
    Justin Mazza recently posted..Site Build It – 2 Websites for the Price of 1 Holiday SpecialMy Profile

    • Hi Justin,

      Yes, you are absolutely right. If people took the time and trouble to work through difficulties and problems in a relationship, they would forge a strong, unbreakable and beautiful bond. Every relationship has its problems, it is just a matter of finding the solutions to deal with it. After all, it is not just anyone you can have that special connection with. So if a relationship is really worth it, it is worth holding on and working things out.

      As regrettable as it is, bad relationships do lay the groundwork for good relationships later on. Through the experience and wisdom you gain, you will know how to manage better.

      Thank you for sharing your lovely comments! :)

  7. I think that the hardest thing to preserve a relationship is to admit that when there is a problem, the two persons are guilty not only one of them. It is easier to say – you are guilty but finding the guilt in yourself is much harder…
    Anna recently in londonMy Profile

    • Hi Anna,

      Whenever there is a problem in a relationship both parties have to share the responsibility for it. How they react to the problem may make it better or worse. But in the end what really matters is resolving the problem. A couple should be a team and great partners removing all obstacles in their way together, so that their relationship and love can grow. With this mindset, it doesn’t really matter who is at fault or who has to bear the greater blame.

      Thank you for sharing your lovely comments! :)

  8. Nice. Very thorough and comprehensive, Irving. It’s a big subject to tackle, our relationships are puzzles with no instructions attached. When we enter into a relationship of love, it is even more complicated – because we are two, uniting as one, and yet we have differently conditioned minds; minds that experienced dissimilar NO’s …WOE’s … breakthroughs … and … WOW’s. It is true that until we solve a more fundamental thing about ourselves – our echoing NO’s – we cannot solve our relationship problems.
    rob white recently posted..God Is….My Profile

    • Hi Rob,

      I would say it is not just our relationships, our lives are like puzzles with no instructions attached.

      Yeah love relationships are highly complex because the 2 people coming together may well be at different stages in terms of wisdom and experience. As you rightly point out, until they solve their fundamental issues, it is hard to solve relationship problems. Still, if we wait until we are perfect, nothing will get started. It is best to manage as well as we can and to seek help and guidance where possible.

      Thank you for sharing your lovely comments! :)

  9. Hi Irving,

    I love how you highlight that we can choose to observe obstacles and get them out of the way before they become issues. Of course, this does mean that we have to be willing to take a look at our beliefs and emotions. It all starts with ourselves. When we remove all the weird expectations and rules we have around relationships and become truly honest with each other (how scary is that?), then we can experience profound connections. It might be scary, yes, but it’s SO worth it. This works with relatives and friend, too, BTW.

    Great post!!

    Huge hugs,

    Melody | Delberate Receiving recently posted..Dear LOA: Can You Just Bring Me A Man, Or Do I Have To Go Out And Find Him?My Profile

    • Hi Melody,

      I have always preferred pre-emptive measures to reactive ones when dealing with obstacles or problems. Dealing with problems early stacks the odds in my measure. Otherwise, I will be in the midst of chaos fighting too many fires. It is hard to make good decisions in such circumstances.

      Yeap you are right, expectations cause lots of problems in relationships. But we can manage them better and even remove them as you say. It’s not easy, it requires a lot of work, it is scary, but it is something we all need to do to have truly fulfilling relationships. I agree this is also applicable with relatives and friends. This is indeed a great insight.

      Thank you for sharing your lovely comments! :)

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